Listen to understand

“I’m fine.”

Marco says it to his dad from the back of the three-wheeled truck. He is sulking, he has just come out of a whale’s mouth, and Bambocchio is still inside.

The words are perfectly clear. Their meaning is a little less so.

In the third article, we learned to pay attention to tone, pauses and facial expressions. Now comes a harder question: what do we do when we notice that there might be more behind an answer?

We can decide that we already know. We can insist. We can offer a solution straight away. Or we can give the other person room to speak.

That is where the fourth and final step of our September listening journey begins: listening to understand, rather than preparing our next line.

The answer waiting in our pocket

A friend tells us they have had a difficult day. Before they finish their first sentence, we have already found the perfect advice:

“You need to be better organised.”

The advice might even make sense. But we do not yet know what happened.

Perhaps our friend is not looking for a solution. Perhaps they want to tell us something they feel embarrassed about. Perhaps they have already tried to be better organised, and the problem lies elsewhere.

When we prepare our answer while someone else is speaking, we listen only for the information we need to give that answer. The rest can slip away.

It is like walking into a cinema, watching the first thirty seconds and announcing the ending to everyone.

Understanding does not mean agreeing

Listening to someone does not mean we have to share their opinion.

If a person says:

“I don’t want to take that course anymore.”

We may disagree. First, though, it is worth understanding why they are saying it.

Do they dislike the course? Do they feel behind the other students? Is it difficult to fit around work? Did something unpleasant happen?

“But it’s a great course!” responds to our opinion of the course, not necessarily to their problem.

A question opens up more possibilities:

“What made you change your mind?”

A study of conversations between people who disagreed found that high-quality listening could help the other person feel more respected and less defensive. It did not show that listening alone changed their opinion: understanding is not a technique for winning an argument.

Questions that open doors and questions that close them

Not all questions do the same thing.

“Don’t you think you overreacted?”

It looks like a question, but it already contains a judgement.

“How did it seem to you?”

This gives the other person room to tell their story.

That does not mean turning every conversation into an interview. A useful question grows out of what we have just heard, rather than a list prepared in advance.

We might try:

• “What happened next?”

• “What was the hardest part for you?”

• “When you say ‘they don’t listen to me,’ what do you mean?”

• “Would you like to tell me about it, or would you rather talk later?”

Timing matters, too. Five questions in a row can make someone feel as though they are being tested. One question, followed by enough time to answer, can help them feel heard.

“If I’ve understood you correctly…”

Sometimes we think we understand, but we have changed the message in our minds.

Someone says:

“It’s hard having to do everything on my own.”

We hear:

“They want me to do the work.”

That may not be what they mean. They might be asking for help, or simply for someone to recognise their effort.

We can check without mechanically repeating their words:

“If I’ve understood you correctly, it isn’t just the work that bothers you. It’s that no one seems to notice how much you’re doing. Is that right?”

The final question matters. It gives the other person a chance to correct us.

Research on communication includes paraphrasing and relevant questions among active listening behaviours. In some settings, paraphrasing has also increased people’s sense that they were understood. It is no magic formula: it works when we are genuinely willing to hear, “No, that isn’t what I meant.”

Ask before giving advice

When someone tells us about a problem, we often want to help immediately. It is a generous impulse, but we can miss the point.

We could ask:

“Would you like us to look for a solution, or would you rather I just listen?”

We do not need to recite this sentence every time. It reminds us that helping does not mean deciding for someone else what kind of help they need.

Some people want a practical suggestion. Others need to put their thoughts in order by speaking. Others simply want someone to stay with them for a few minutes.

A qualitative study of listening at work highlights this difference: people can feel heard through different kinds of responses, but the response needs to fit the need they are expressing.

What if we are speaking a foreign language?

Listening to understand matters even more when we do not know every word.

Imagine a classmate saying in English:

“I’m fine with the presentation, but…”

We have understood I’m fine. If we stop listening there, we may miss the most important part: what comes after but.

They might continue:

“…but I’m nervous about speaking in front of everyone.”

The helpful response is not:

“Great, then it’s all settled!”

It might be:

“So the presentation is okay, but speaking in front of the class worries you. Did I get that right?”

We do not need complicated grammar to do this. Simple words and a willingness to check our understanding are enough.

We can use phrases such as:

• “Do you mean…?”

• “Did I understand correctly?”

• “What do you mean by…?”

• “Could you tell me more?”

Asking for clarification does not show that we are unable to speak a language. It shows that we care about understanding the person using it.

Back to Marco, without guessing for him

Let us return to that “I’m fine.”

Marco’s dad might hear a difference between his words and his voice. But noticing something does not mean already knowing the answer. As readers, we know more than his dad can know over the phone.

A question such as:

“Marco, you sound down. Did something happen?”

would give him room to speak.

Marco might tell him everything, share only part of the story or decide he is not ready yet. Listening does not mean forcing him to talk. It means not closing the conversation for him with, “If you say you’re fine, then you must be fine.”

The same goes for Bambocchio, who is still inside the whale. “Don’t leave me alone” is more than an obstacle to Marco’s return: it is something worth hearing. But understanding Bambocchio’s fear does not mean Marco has to give up going back.

People can have different needs at the same time. A good conversation tries to make room for them without erasing one to solve the other.

Three things to try this week

The final Cassano Academy challenge requires no headphones, transcripts or subtitles. It requires a real conversation.

1. Wait a moment. When the other person stops speaking, do not immediately fill the silence. Ask yourself whether they have really finished.

2. Ask an open question. Choose one that helps you understand, rather than one that proves your theory.

3. Check. Try saying, “If I’ve understood you correctly…” and let the other person correct you.

You do not need to do all three in every conversation. Choose one and notice what changes.

The last word is not always the most important

We began this journey by distinguishing hearing from listening. Then we learned how to follow a foreign language even when we do not understand every word. We paid attention to what tone, gestures and silence can communicate.

Now we know there is one more choice: what to do with what we have heard.

We can use it to give the quickest answer.

Or we can pause for a moment and ask ourselves:

“Have I really understood what this person is trying to tell me?”

Sometimes the best conversation is not the one in which we immediately find the right words.

It is the one in which we finally make room for the other person’s words.

 

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